All messed up

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 | Bad Days, Good Days, Idiocy, Insanity | 1 Comment

Right now, my brain resembles overcooked scrambled eggs.

I don’t have the mental capacity to put this all into an entertaining format. Disappointingly, I’m going to resort to blogging via dot-point. Deal with it.

• When something totally unexpected happens, roll with it.
• Brisbane River is very pretty at night
• My knee has a few issues.
• My knee has fewer issues than my brain
• Writing reports when incapacitated by lack of sleep results in really interesting phrases.
  “[Company] has to drastically rethink the overall ERP strategy because the existing one sucks arse.”
• The best misheard lyric of all time has to be from Robert Palmers “Addicted to Love”.
  “May as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove….”
• Misheard lyrics such as above are particularly hilarious when you’ve had no sleep.
• Not even Coffee is doing it for me today.
• Panicking about things rarely helps. I really need to chill the fk out.
• My first aid cert is due for renewal. The thought of making out with a plastic dummy is so very unappealing right now.

Pain. Endless, enduring Pain.

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 | Idiocy, Insanity | No Comments

I learnt something new about myself last night.

I learnt that I’m somewhat of a masochist. I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself. I don’t like blood, gosh no, and bruising is just so 1990’s darling. No, I’m talking about the type of pain that is incurred by ripping your hair out by the very root.

Yesterday, I marched myself into Myers and bought an Epilady Zen Ultra Fantastico 9000.

I don’t actually know the name of the Weapon of Mass Deforestation, but whatever it is, it needs to be MEGA. This thing is so scary my dog went and locked himself in the bathroom.

If the Russian’s ever want me to talk, all they need to do is show me one of these baby’s and plug the damn thing into the wall.
“Whoa – ok! I’ll talk! I’ll tell you where I hid the diamonds!”

So, you’d think I’d be smart enough not to actually use this device on myself. Surely I could have found some hapless victim to experiment on first, right? I could name a few people right off the top of my head that I’d like to inflict with such pain. Their legs weren’t handy at the time, and considering the dog had taken all four of his legs a very long way away, I was left with only the two legs that were very attached to the rest of me.

“They’ll do!”

I started by fixing the Introduction attachment. I then read the attachment description “For Sensitive Skin – or total Noobs”.

I am not, nor have ever been, a Noob. Dickhead, yes, but not Noob. I then attached the Ultra Scary attachment which looked like it was ready to tackle the Amazon and break every UN convention known to man.

Without engaging the brain I just attached it, switched it on, and pointed it towards my legs.

I wont try to begin to describe all the strange sounds that I created, but to summarise:
“FUUUUUUCK”.

I now have lovely smooth legs. I’m seriously considering total amputation as a very convenient method of hair removal. I’m sure there’d be less pain. Certainly, there’d be less screaming.

Buggeration.

Saturday, May 3rd, 2008 | Idiocy, Insanity | 2 Comments

In a moment of weakness, I signed up to Match.com’s online singles site. I figured I could meet a few like minded people to share a coffee with occasionally - oh how naive.

The whole excersise was doomed from the start. I was so focused on publishing the profile that I really didnt stop to check that all the details were 100% accurate. The day after I published everything I was totally devastated as I didn’t receive even a single ‘wink’. I thought that I’d at least get a wink from the legion of dirty old sleaze bags.

After careful examination, I realised that my profile indicated that I was a:

28 y/o Brisbane women looking for woman.

*blink*
Um?

And I didn’t even get any takers!!! With so little interest, my career as a raving lesbot was cut drastically short. I instantly corrected my mistake, and started getting loads of winks from the afore mentioned sleaze bags.

With exception of one or two people who resembled humans, I didn’t really find anything that took my breath away. I’ve now retired my profile. I’m not convinced that Match.com is the site for me - nor am I totally convinced that the whole concept of online dating is really for me. I’m having fun meeting new people face to face, so I dont really need to PAY for the benefit.

At least I can look back and laugh at my very short stint as Brisbane’s newest Out-of-the-Closet Girl!

Dont die wondering

Thursday, June 28th, 2007 | Good Days, Idiocy, Insanity, Work | No Comments

I’ve spoken before about the personality traits that run through my family. When my mother and father look at me, they dont have to ponder at length on where I get my tenacity, stubborness and smart mouth from. Along with these traits, my rather generous genes have provided me with fair skin (carcinoma, thank you so very bloody much), blue eyes (glaucoma) and strong healthy bones (read: heavy frame and fat ass). I cant wait to have children so I can pass all of this hereditary bullshit on to another generation!

In any case, of all of my brothers and sisters, I am one of the few who hasn’t jumped in with both feet. Am I ready for the plunge?

Ahhh, bugger it! I’ll let you know what the water is like.

Dont die wondering.

Haiku

Monday, May 21st, 2007 | Idiocy, Insanity | 2 Comments

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don’t make sense
Refrigerator

How to speak Kiwi

Thursday, July 27th, 2006 | Geeking, Idiocy | No Comments

Furthering my linguistic education, one of my collegues sent me this little gem:

How to Speak Kiwi