Pain. Endless, enduring Pain.

I learnt something new about myself last night.

I learnt that I’m somewhat of a masochist. I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself. I don’t like blood, gosh no, and bruising is just so 1990’s darling. No, I’m talking about the type of pain that is incurred by ripping your hair out by the very root.

Yesterday, I marched myself into Myers and bought an Epilady Zen Ultra Fantastico 9000.

I don’t actually know the name of the Weapon of Mass Deforestation, but whatever it is, it needs to be MEGA. This thing is so scary my dog went and locked himself in the bathroom.

If the Russian’s ever want me to talk, all they need to do is show me one of these baby’s and plug the damn thing into the wall.
“Whoa – ok! I’ll talk! I’ll tell you where I hid the diamonds!”

So, you’d think I’d be smart enough not to actually use this device on myself. Surely I could have found some hapless victim to experiment on first, right? I could name a few people right off the top of my head that I’d like to inflict with such pain. Their legs weren’t handy at the time, and considering the dog had taken all four of his legs a very long way away, I was left with only the two legs that were very attached to the rest of me.

“They’ll do!”

I started by fixing the Introduction attachment. I then read the attachment description “For Sensitive Skin – or total Noobs”.

I am not, nor have ever been, a Noob. Dickhead, yes, but not Noob. I then attached the Ultra Scary attachment which looked like it was ready to tackle the Amazon and break every UN convention known to man.

Without engaging the brain I just attached it, switched it on, and pointed it towards my legs.

I wont try to begin to describe all the strange sounds that I created, but to summarise:
“FUUUUUUCK”.

I now have lovely smooth legs. I’m seriously considering total amputation as a very convenient method of hair removal. I’m sure there’d be less pain. Certainly, there’d be less screaming.

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  1. October 12, 2013

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