June 08, 2004
My sweetheart
Dear World,
The past twelve months seem to have flown by, partially due to the fact that I've been living in bliss due to the wonderful man in my life. Beloved. I know its sickening, but just deal with it, ok? I know it must be painful to witness, but I love cuddling and most importantly, I love cuddling Beloved. He's just so very huggable.
Since we got together we've been hanging out for the weekends, desperatly trying to make it til Friday. Having a 'weekends-only' relationship isn't quite as good as you may first think. Nobody to cuddle up to on the cold nights. No possible way of being affectionate. Nobody to share things with. Until the weekends.
Twelve months is a devestatingly long time to be living this part-time life. Thankfully, through the wonders of mobile communications, we are able to spend most of our free time attached to one another via our phones. Poor substitute but better than nothing.
In a few weeks time, we'll no longer have to put up with the trauma of saying 'goodbye' every Sunday night. I've quit my job. I'm quitting London. I'm leaving this little hellhole and going to live with Beloved on a more permanent basis.
I couldn't be happier.
Posted by Jacqui at 03:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 22, 2003
Watching the world drive by
It's sometimes so very hard to believe that so many people exist on this small little island. I've heard it said that there's over 60,000,001, by popular estimate. Sixty Million living, breathing, squawking, eating, whinging individuals. Give or take a few hundred thousand. Well, I think that most of them were stuck in the traffic jam on the M5, along with two tired, disgruntled Motocross spectators on Sunday night.
Instead, I sat there pushing the buttons on the radio trying to get a signal and getting fed up when all I could here was static and techno static. I sat there, saying words that meant nothing just so I could keep myself awake, so I could keep Beloved awake. I felt both useless and helpless as he drove us both home.
I sat there, feeling tired and a little shell-shocked watching the snake of halted traffic curl toward the horizon. It was the type of sight that makes you wish you were a bird so you could just jump up and fly away or even a hedgehog so you could curl up in a ball and ignore the world. It's also the type of sight that sends a lead weight into your stomach when you realise you're not going to get home to your warm, safe and welcoming bed for another fistful of hours.
I didn't really know what to do. Screaming was an option.
What stopped me from getting out of the van and diving headfirst into oncoming traffic was the person sitting beside me. My love. Knowing that he was stuck in this jam because he was driving me home caused a slight pang of guilt. I tried to make it up to him with some decent conversation skills, but they left a lot to be desired. A Lot. I settled on helping him pay out all the other dumb drivers that were sitting motionless around us. Like the dimwit with no headlights on and the clutch-hating Postal truck.
It was still fairly early when we got home. Early enough to consider making dinner for about 2 nanoseconds before we both passed out. It really wasn't an option. Food was not on the list of priorities. Sleep was the only thing that mattered. The last thing I remember was stealing some of the blankets and wrapping an arm around Beloved's deeply unconscious form. He probably doesn't remember it, and I dont think it matters anyway, but just before I fell asleep I whispered "I love you" and softly kissed him. And I do love him. Totally and completely.
And that moment was the only thing I needed to make me realise that I am the luckiest person in the world.
Posted by Jacqui at 09:18 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 12, 2003
Stupid tears.
I was looking forward to Friday afternoon all week. It's the sort of thing that most people do throughout the week, as they toil away at their frequently boring jobs. I had a few reasons to daydream about Friday afternoon, not the least being the weekend. No work. Freedom away from the keyboard! It was like a tropical paradise, but without the palm trees and minus the cocktails with a lot less suntan lotion. In fact, it was nothing like a tropical paradise at all considering I live in London, but in comparison to being chained to my desk it sounded like bliss. The second reason for looking forward to Friday was Beloved. He'd be arriving in his big blue bus, bringing with him a weeks worth of love and cuddles.
Between us lies a four hour journey, be it via road or rail. I spent most of that four hours impatiently marching the length of my room (all 4 metres of it) and watching the second hand drag its slow arse around the clock face. He eventually arrived and I threw myself at him without checking to see if it was really him knocking on my door. I managed to ascertain his identity between kisses, so you'll all be happy to know that I didn't throw myself at a total stranger (or worse, my housemate!).
For the most part of the weekend, we slouched around in a muddle of blankets and kisses, not really caring about the world outside of my bedroom walls. We went to see "Finding Nemo" (brilliant!) and got drunk while talking and eating and kissing and not letting go of one another. As a side note it's quite amazing how, when other people do it, constantly leaning over chilli nachos to plant a smooch can be totally sappy and worthy of a few ("Mushy bastards") muttered ("Ugh. Sickening!") words ("Get a room!"). But when it's part of your own world, it seems just as important as breathing. I may just have to work a little harder next time, to avoid getting cheese stains on my shirt.
It's now Sunday and Beloved has just started the long four hour journey home. I'm going to ring him in a moment, just because I can. Before he left, I had a minor issue with my eyes. They started leaking of their own accord, dripping moisture all over the place. Sometimes, it's really amazing to let somebody hold you while you just cry. But I wasn't really crying. Not really. I was just sad and happy and in love. That's what girls do when they feel too much - they let the pressure out of their head by releasing some of the water. So, I cried and he held me and told me I was a silly git for ever thinking silly thoughts.
We'll be together one day, and then we won't have to say goodbye every Sunday night. We won't have to cram a weeks worth of love and cuddles into two days. When we're finally together, we can do everything without feeling rushed, without feeling like we're on some game show count down to Sunday night. A life with Beloved? That's not a silly thought, that's better than a tropical paradise!
Posted by Jacqui at 08:44 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
September 18, 2003
Meltdown
After a total break down on Sunday, I think things are beginning to get back to normal.
It's hard to be happy when you're sitting on the dusty floor between two carriages of a Virgin-Rail train. It's even harder when you realise that the speeding engine is pulling you away from the only thing that makes you happy. With no seats available, I was forced to sit on the floor, along with empty McDonalds bags and coke cans. With the rubbish. Getting pulled away from Beloved at 100 miles an hour.
That's when I crumbled.
I was at the stage where I was hoping that somebody would push me, just so I could release hell from my heart. I wanted my boss to give me shit, so I could spit it back at him. I wanted to quit. I wanted to run away. I wanted to cry.
So I cried. But I haven't quit and I haven't run away. I'm still here at work, hacking on the servers, longing to be in Wales.
Long distance hurts.
He'll be here tomorrow.
I think I can survive 24 hours without falling apart.
Posted by Jacqui at 01:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 01, 2003
All you need is love....
Today is a good day.
The last decent weather has finally disapeared leaving us with miserable soaking rain. The cars make a soft swishing sound as they drive past on the wet roads. The skies are grey, and the businessmen all carry black umbrellas. Despite this, there's a greeness about everything. The rain has washed away all the city dust and dirt. Everything is alive. Today is a really good day.
I had homemade cabonara last night for dinner. Beloved and I made it together from scratch. Frank Sinatra sang while we learnt how to cook and how to ignore recipes and follow our own tastes. There's a bowl of it left in my fridge that has my name written all over it. It's the type of food that is so good that it makes "diet" a four letter word. Today is a brilliant day.
I woke up beside Beloved this morning. Before I'd even opened my eyes, I got to roll over and cuddle another person, snuggling into the added warmth that's only associated with puppy dogs, kittens and sleeping boyfriends. The weather has turned cold, everybody is wearing long sleeves and jumpers in the office. I got to wake up with a warm hug. That thought alone keeps me toasty warm.
I have £12 in my bank acount, but I have Beloved to go home to. Today is a brilliant day.
The Beatles had it right, after all.
All ya need is love.. da dada dada....
Posted by Jacqui at 10:34 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 28, 2003
Wedding Images
How was your weekend?
Mine was pretty good. Busy as hell, but good. Spent my time in Wales, trying to pack a weeks' worth of cuddles into two days... Between attending weddings, Motocross and watching the Rockstar Cousin, we didn't get all that much time to ourselves.
Saturday morning. I think we both look adorable. Well... Beloved looks good enough to nibble on and I'm just there for the hell of it.
Note: I'm wearing a dress.
That sure as hell doesn't happen often. I've found it's very difficult to be clumsy in a dress without showing more of yourself than publicly acceptable. But with the help of semi-darkness and a strategic scarf, I think I managed to avoid any embarrasing displays.
Left Wales at 5.55am this morning, on the London Euston train. It's getting harder and harder to leave. Each time I think I die a little bit more...
Posted by Jacqui at 10:07 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 25, 2003
TGIF
Thank god it's friday.
I always end up feeling a little bit dead on fridays. The week has just about ended, drained of enthusiasm and energy. Although, recently, Fridays have been a reason to be happy and joyful, as I see Beloved once again.
Beloved. *happy glow* It's good to be in love.
But today? Today, I'm feeling a little bit asleep, and a little bit impatient. I want to day to be over so that it's tonight, so I can fall asleep beside Beloved once again.
And its raining.
And I'm knackered.
Thank god it's friday.
Posted by Jacqui at 09:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 14, 2003
Drama with a side order of Insanity
I'm so into Harry Potter at the moment. It's unbelievable. I spent the whole of Friday's train journey giggling, gasping and ooooohing over the latest edition from J.K Rowling. When I get going, it's like the whole world disolves into the small details about Quidditch. I want to throw things at ickle firsties with Peeves, and I sure as hell want create trouble with the Weasley Twins... After so many years reading about Harry, Hermione and Ron, it feels so familiar and yet so exciting to be reading about their new adventures. I was making happy noises, while anxiously awaiting my stop. Hogwarts is amazing but I had somewhere better to be.
Nottingham.
I arrived, then put Harry swiftly away. I know that Potter would probably get a bit jealous if he knew that I packed him up and forgot about him for the whole weekend. But I have my reasons:
Reason #1 - Beloved.
It's difficult to pounce on somebody while reading. It's impossible to kiss and snuggle while your nose is buried in a book.
Reason #2 - Beloved.
Cant turn the pages when you're holding hands, either.
Reason #3 - Beloved.
Do I need to justify this any further?
Every time I see him, I fall just a little bit more in love with him. I get this overwhelming feeling of happiness to think that he loves me, too. His happiness has become far more important than my own.
Harry can go to hell. I've found something that's even more magical than a school full of wizards.
Posted by Jacqui at 09:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 30, 2003
Monday already?
Thank Christ there's only one Monday per week. If there was more than one, I dont know if I'd survive.
My Monday-itis isn't helped by the fact that I've been awake since 4.55am, and have had to spend the past 3.5 hours on a train. That, in itself, is enough to have me mildly annoyed. But today, I'm pissed off with reality, and I want to give Life a stern talking to. Give "real life" a good arse kicking. I want to let the world know that I'm not impressed. Beyond any reasonable reaction to an early morning train journey.
Let me rewind a little, and fill you in on why i'm in such a shit of a mood.
On Friday night, it took me all of 10 seconds to spot Beloved in the crowd. My eyes seemed to find him amongst the flock of sombre, suited gentleman. I saw him looking at all the other train passengers, scanning the departing crowd for me. I didn't realise how much I had missed him until I felt the weight of it lift off my shoulders. I saw him through the mass of other travellers. I'm not shitting you, but it felt like he was the only one there.
"Missed you so much!"
Instant smile. Grin for hours.
Despite the fact that I live in London, I felt like I was coming home after a lifetime spent in isolation. Home is where he is.
Then, flick to this morning.
5.55am. Standing on a train, watching him walk away. I had to grip the guard rails. I had to clench my teeth and close my eyes. My brain was telling me to just relax, but my heart was telling me to jump up and chase him. Of all the heart-wrenching tasks in my life, saying goodbye to him gets harder each time I have to do it.
It's like I am attached to him with some kind of invisible rubber band. When the rubber band stretches, it pulls at my heart. If the distance gets too far, it starts to hurt. If that distance is kept, I start to break down, piece by piece.
Now put that heartbreak onto a train going in the wrong direction, standing room only, squashed in with business men reading the Financial Times, and fat managers taking two seats up with their important briefcases full of important things. Then maybe, you'll understand why I think monday sucks.
I want a refund.
Posted by Jacqui at 10:55 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
June 23, 2003
Happy Birthday from Us.
It's really strange, the things that 'cement' ideas into your head. Some things can exist for ages, without seeming real to the logical part of your mind. It took me a full 3 weeks to understand that I had graduated, for instance. It was only when I received a "Graduate Invoice" from the Institute of Engineers that I fully understood what I had done.
Shit! Look at that! I'm an Engineer!! Rock on!!!
Damn, I have to pay $60...
This weekend, however, I realised something that had nothing to do with Engineering.
I realised that everything that I had been feeling was real. Up until this weekend, the cynical part of my mind kept telling me that this feeling is something that only exists in movies, something that doesn't belong in reality. This type of thing doesn't happen to normal people. This certainly doesn't happen to ME.
I realised I wasn't living in some little fantasy world. I wasn't about to wake up. This was real.
I realised all of this, when I had to sign a birthday card from the two of us.
Lots of love and birthday wishes,
G and J
xxx
I had to look at the card for a minute or two. Seeing both of our names written together finally brought everything home. I wasn't going to wake up. This was reality. This was dirty, gritty, living reality.
I love him so much it makes my head spin. If this is reality, I never want to go to sleep. Even in my dreams, Love never felt so good.
Posted by Jacqui at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 19, 2003
Soft Headed.
This isn't about mathematics.
There is no right or wrong. There's no magical formula that can be solved, no detailed derivations to be calculated. This is more astounding, more complex.
This isn't about computers.
1's and 0's don’t mean anything anymore. There's no CPU fast enough to keep up. Computers cannot create emotion. There is no URL for what I'm feeling. There is no binary sequence that explains it. I cant look up the answers on Google.
This is all about love.
I dont know what I'm doing, I'm walking around with little wings on my shoes. My head is a mess, and I'm full of lyrical words that would make even the softest romantic cringe.
I don't care!
I cant begin to understand it. If I were this clueless about mathematics or computers, I'd be scared out of my mind. But I'm not scared. At the moment I'm the happiest person alive!
34 hours to go until I see him next.
Posted by Jacqui at 10:58 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
June 16, 2003
Totally Lost.
Um. It's very difficult to know what to write here. I'd almost say its impossible, but for the fact that I'm actually writing something now.
Of course, what I'm writing now has nothing to do with the point of this blog entry, and more to do with the fact that I dont know how to say what I'm thinking.
Dontcha hate it when that happens? Whenever I have something really important to say I seem to get all tongue tied, or as in this case, I start babbling on like a fool.
It seems to happen to me frequenly, but not, for example, when somebody asks me:
"Do you want this?"
As, history will tell, I said one word. Just the one, and it was "Yes".
No babbling at all. Which is cool. But I still really haven't got to the point of this blog entry. My point, which I will get to eventually, means quite a lot to me. Has meant a lot for quite a while. But, nobody knew that.
Not a soul.
Which is really quite surprising, considering the amount of mindless chatter I come out with. But, nobody knew. Not even the person who I most wanted to tell.
But, without naming names (as this is the internet, you understand. I dont want freaky stalker people tracking me down to throw tomatos at me...) and without totally losing my mind, I'll finally get to the whole idea behind this entry.
I love you.
Not you. Him. The one who I know will be reading this with a smile. The one I cant wait to see again. 5 days? Forever.
It scares me to death. It makes me smile when I want to cry. It makes my head spin. I've never felt like this before, so I dont really know what to compare it to.
Like finally making sense of something I never understood. Its like bungy jumping. Like driving fast, or scuba diving. It's like putting the last piece into a jig saw. It's like I've found something I never really knew I'd lost.
Big 'Sorry' to all those out there in cyberspace. I guess I should have said something before, but I never did. But I'll tell you all now.
I'm in love and I dont care who knows it.
Posted by Jacqui at 11:47 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack