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June 12, 2003
Will the real Doyle please stand up?
I cant believe how much I've changed over the past 10 years.
If I met Today's Jacqui 10 years ago I wonder what I would have thought of her. Of me? Of who I am now?
Back then, I was some shy, dumb kid who didn't have a clue what to do with her life. I hadn't started swimming yet. I wore braces. I got pushed around a lot at school... I was ashamed of my A report-card. When it came time to do P.E, I was always picked last. I always had bruises on my arms and back from where I'd 'fallen' over during lunch break. I never laughed.
I was the geeky kid. I was "Brace Face", "Train Tracks", or simply - "Nerd."
I moved schools. I moved interstate. I fell into the same patterns there, too. I was too timid to put my hand up in class, even when I knew the answer. I always hid my grades, as A always meant 'dork'. I longed to be part of the 'cool gang', the gang that every school has. I just didn't quite understand what it was all about. Why did the popular girls look like they were always happy?
Somehow, I changed. There wasn't one defined moment when the lightbulb switched on. There wasn't some kind of defining moment when I suddenly saw through the "cool" bullshit... I just kinda learned slowly that who I was had nothing to do with other people, or how they saw me.
I met a few great people who were just like me. I learnt that I wasn't the only soul in the world to have a shitty day, once in a while. I also figured out that people liked me, for who I was, rather than how cool I was. I started laughing. I saw that other people were laughing too, but they were laughingwith me, and not at me.
I suppose I'm still very careful about my emotions, but I'm no longer afraid to shout out in a crowd. I smile simply because I'm happy. I chat to strangers. I'm still a geek, sure. But, hey, that's cool too! Better yet, I'm getting paid to be a geek!! Dude!! :-)
I
'm no longer picked last for any team, either, as people know that I'm genuinely willing to try. I dont have an image to protect. I'm not frightened of breaking a nail, or looking like a dork. I am a dork. I know that already.
"Do you play soccer, Jac?"
Fuck no, but let's have a go, anyway!
... never know... Might be fun?!
If I met Jacqui from 10 years ago, I'd probably give her some advice:
This life is not a dress-rehersal. You only get one shot, so make it count.
Oh... and... Dont try and pick on wooden doors. You'll break bones if you do!
Posted by Jacqui at June 12, 2003 01:22 PM
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Comments
Nice entry. It's always nice to look back and see that you've made a difference in your own life.
Posted by: Alegna at June 13, 2003 03:37 AM