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April 22, 2002
Butter Knives, and Black Hawks.
Butter Knives, and Black Hawks.
Sometimes, I feel like I want to stick my head in a microwave, and blott out all the bad thoughts with one rapid bang. I'm sure I could do it, if only I could shut the bloody door.
Some thoughts hang around like pesky flies, or that really bad pair of socks that you've been meaning to throw away for the past 2 years. They haunt you at odd times, and threaten your sanity when you're half conscious.
I'm talking about those thoughts that you think... and then regret. Kinda like the mental image when somebody talks about naked old people playing volleyball... or what horribly icky things that Haskell programmers have to do on a daily basis to survive. Personally, I'd sooner rent myself out by the hour, than program in Haskell.
And then, there's those thoughts that have physical effect. The kind of physical effect that slaps you in the head and says "what the hell were you thinking?". The kind of thought you wish you could just scratch out, or press Ctrl+Z and undo the whole bloody thing. These thoughts are often associated with crushes, or looking back at past relationships, or trying to remember what you did the night before.
For example:
Did I really start singing at the top of my lungs at 3am? *slap*
Did I really expect that I could finish this assignment in 3 days? *slap*
Did I really try to eat that leaf? *slap*
Did Howard really walk in and find me singing into my hairbrush along with Kylie Minogue? *slap* *slap* *slap*
Did I really kiss that person? *punch* *belt* *whap* *crash*
I never feel like I want the world to open up and swallow me, however, some times I wish that my head would self combust, and that I'd simply evaporate instead. Evaporation is so much more dignified than falling down a dirty great big hole. There's less chance for survival.
I have all of these half-memories from previous drunken escapades, and... well... they're simply dangerous. Each time I stop and consider them, I have to restrain myself from beating my head into a bloody pulp. They are my sole reason why I don't drink vast quantities of alcohol. I have more than enough painful thoughts to last me well into the next lifetime. In fact, I'm sure I could provide a lifetimes worth of stupid thoughts and memories to make up for a small Pygmy tribe.
Regardless, today the microwave was in serious jeopardy of being used for a method of personal memory removal. I got hooked with some fan fiction that I didn't really want to read. It was the type of fan fiction that should have had a big red "R" plastered across it, with Health Warnings labeled all around it. This stuff was detrimental to my fragile state of mind... yet... I was hooked. I was addicted like some paint sniffing clown.
I was so taken in, that even massive shock treatment, and rapid recovery drugs wouldn't have snapped the habit. I just had to read it. I just had to gross myself out. There I was, sitting all alone, reading about things that just shouldn't be considered by decent people.
What's he doing with Elijah's feet? Oh god no....
THATS A HOBBIT YOU SICKO!!!
How can anybody think about this shit, and have indecency to write it down?
A banana? Oh god no. I'll never eat fruit again.
If they're gunna.... Oh god! They are! They did!
That just has to be illegal.
You're kidding me... There's no way! He cant possib.... I was wrong.
Some times I wish I could microzapp those memories right out of my head.
These aren't the "slap yourself, you fool" thoughts, these are several magnitudes of violence greater. They're more like "use a can-opener and perform a self lobotomy, fish around in your head for a while, and cut out the mouldy bits with a butter knife" thoughts.
Never again. Never... never ever. I'm going to have to design a hand held microwave, because this just isn't cricket. Life will never be the same.
I've run out of trashy fan-fiction.
Posted by Jacqui at April 22, 2002 09:35 PM
Comments
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from Annie Cialis-Levitra - Cialis Levitra
Posted by: cialis at June 27, 2004 12:56 AM