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April 07, 2003
Singing the Blues
Spent the past weekend in Wales with my surrogate family. It was good to go home, despite the vast quantites of vegetables that I had to eat. Saturday I was in a bit of a funk, trying to sort out a lot of things and get myself back on track.
I was sitting in the back room, chilling to music when "Word" just happened to open itself, and my fingers just started typing of their own accord. That may be a really geeky alternative to unconscious scribbling...
This is what happened:
The blue skies are deceiving.
The spring flowers hide something deeper beneath their riot of colours. The birds keep singing a familiar song; A song I had almost forgotten the words to. Dusk seems more like a gentle sigh, rather than an irritated farewell. Life exists in a different dimension here.
I cant really decide what it is about Wales that gets me, but every time I’m here, I feel like I’m breathing again for the first time in weeks. I know that I cant stay here, so perhaps that’s why I’m feeling so many things all at once. I could be walking through Trafalgar Square, Hyde Park or Bond Street. I could be walking the high streets, watching other people fight through city life. I could be fighting through city life, too. Instead, I’m here. Sitting alone in the back room of a house, tucked away in the corner of the country watching the skies as dusk changes the blues to dusky purples, and finally into darkness.
London is more about the external. The job. The rush. The money. Going somewhere. The race to keep everybody happy. Silence filled with everybody else’s noise.
Here, life is more about living. Smiling because your happy. Keeping silent because words say more but mean less.
I know I’m happy here. I guess that’s why there’s tears in my eyes. I never thought it would be this hard to live away from home. Somebody else's home, in fact.
I could have grown up here. I could have been living here my whole life, not just an accidental month. It’s like I’ve found something I never knew I’d lost.
I know I’m not making any damn sense. I know I should be in the other room, sharing time with those that I love. I cant bring myself to do it. It’s almost like I’m feeling too much, having trouble keeping my head above water.
I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to know…. Can I buy a clue? Is it possible to feel so upside-down?
Posted by Jacqui at April 7, 2003 05:05 PM
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Comments
*Big Hug*
Take care, Jac. You are so brave and are doing things that the rest of us are too scared to do.
I can only imagine how you feel... and I can't wait to give you the biggest hug when you get back here.
Posted by: Cath at April 8, 2003 10:47 AM
*big hg back*
Thanks dude. I dont feel all that brave though. I'm happy again now: such is life!!
See you soon!!
Jac.
Posted by: Jacqui at April 9, 2003 12:25 PM
Jacqui, I wish I was able to read this last year when you wrote it. I was floating around the Persian Gulf but did have some internet access occasionally. I feel like I let you down. I should have tried harder to stay in touch than I did. It was a crazy time for me though...the war, missing my Honey...on and on. Still, I could have stayed in touch a little better.
You wrote exactly how I feel about Hawaii...not my home, but still my home now. I used to drive out to the mountatins, climb up aways and then just sit there looking out over the valleys and the ocean, smelling the air.
I was feeling upside down back then too and still am. I want to go back there one day, but my children are here and my ex-wife plans on staying here. My wife wants to go back there too, her son still lives there. Life is confusing as hell sometimes. I sat awake in bed the night before last running the future over in my head again and again, praying to God to please somehow set the future for happiness for all of us.
Guess that's why they call it faith. I have to have faith or go insane to some degree.
Posted by: Steve at March 10, 2004 10:45 PM